說實話，其實我並沒有關注過Selena Gomez。然而看完這部關於她與mental health鬥爭的紀錄片，我就止不住地去回想。
我對她的印象只有她年輕時唱的《Who Says》，也許那是我最早記憶裡聽過的英文歌。可是誰知道多年後，這個唱過《Who Says》的歌手經歷了好長一段時間的mental breakdown。電影裡開頭就是她面對壓力過大的演唱會彩排，唱這首歌的時候完全不知道在唱什麼，對自己的outfit感到disgusted，覺得眼前的事完全無意義。
可能很多個人的紀錄片都會側重去講述個人經歷低谷以及如何恢復再站起來的過程，而這一部便是更多地描繪了她跟抑鬱、焦慮、雙向情感症的掙扎。我好像看整個紀錄片的時候一直都在流淚，因為她的經歷好像一直都不太順利：經歷了一段非常toxic的relationship，身心受盡折磨，對未來的感情難以充滿信任或期待；小時候5歲父母就分開，她的媽媽高中時就生下了她，母女互相扶持多年；面對事業，她並不是自信的，總是覺得自己not good enough，也很不喜歡自己的工作、覺得每天都很痛苦；在診斷出躁鬱症前已經因為lupus經歷了腎移植手術，但後來又復發只有靠非常難受的服藥和治療方式進行治療⋯⋯是的，並不是每個人面對困境能真的做到那麼強大。困境是不能輕易量化或對比的。面對同一件事，有些人可能很容易就跨過了，但有些人卻不能。然而心理問題卻被污名化：因為不夠堅強、因為脆弱、因為敏感，因為「明明你可以不選擇這樣」。
我在電影裡很喜歡的一段話就是有人對她說：正是妳的這些特質構成了特別的妳，讓妳能做回妳自己。最後Selena找到了自己熱愛也是救贖自己的事情 — — philanthropy，成立自己的基金會，為mental health倡導，希望mental health能納入美國中小學課程，讓孩子從小能夠感知到自己的情緒，重視心理健康。她選擇繼續當歌手是因為想繼續利用她的影響力。我還很喜歡她去Kenya慈善學校與那裡的孩子交談的一幕。她在那裡的場景真的很治癒人心。我在想我以後也想做類似的事情，去這樣的地方做志願/支教。
電影裡我還看到了演藝事業對女性的商品化和物品化。前男友訂婚了還會被記者一直追問不放，好像她只能被他定義；穿著令人難受的「性感」外衣，化不完的妝和做不完的造型；通告被採訪時上一句回答完全被無視，或是被問一些十分無意義的問題。
我想這部電影很可貴的就是她很坦誠地把這些breakdown moments給觀眾無保留地呈現出來，但目的是為了讓其他人也在經歷類似的人知道：「你不是一個人」。在快要忘記自己原來模樣、認不出自己的時候，要知道以前那個自己一直是自己的一部分。
總之看了紀錄片也更堅定我想學習social work，但也更堅定了我想學習direct practice裡的一些內容：為案主提供心理諮詢。我最近有在讀相關的書，但這是我第一次對這樣的議題感受如此之深，也了解了它的非凡意義。
非常迅速地寫了這篇。總之，我很喜歡這部紀錄片，還有它的主題曲，感興趣的朋友可以去看看。🤍🤍
To be honest, I haven’t really paid much attention to Selena Gomez, but after watching this documentary about her battle with mental health, I can’t stop thinking about it.
The only thing I remember about her is that she sang “Who Says” when she was young, and maybe that’s the earliest English song I remember hearing. The film begins with her facing a stressful concert rehearsal, singing the song without knowing what she was singing about, feeling disgusted with her outfit and feeling that what was happening in front of her was completely meaningless.
Perhaps many personal documentaries focus on the process of going through a low point and how one recovers, while this one is more about her struggle with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I seem to have been in tears while watching the whole documentary, because it seems that her experience has extremely not been smooth: she experienced a very toxic relationship, suffering physically and mentally, and it is difficult to trust or expect future relationships; her parents separated when she was 5 years old, and her mother gave birth to her in high school, and they supported each other for many years; she was not confident in her career, and always felt that she was not good enough. She disliked her job and felt painful every day; she had already undergone a kidney transplant for lupus before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but later it relapsed and had to be treated with very uncomfortable medication and therapy… Yes, not everyone can really be that strong in the face of adversity. Difficulties are cannot be quantified or compared. Some people may get over the same thing easily, but others do not. Yet psychological problems are stigmatized: for not being strong enough, for being vulnerable, for being sensitive, for “you could have chosen not to be”.
One of my favorite moments in the movie is when someone says to her, “It’s these qualities that make you special and allow you to be who you are.” In the end, Selena found her passion and redemption – philanthropy – and set up her own foundation to advocate for mental health, hoping that mental health would be incorporated into the curriculum of American elementary and middle schools, so that children would be able to sense their emotions and value mental health from a young age. She chose to continue to be a singer because she wanted to continue to use her influence. I also loved the scene where she went to Kenya’s charity school and talked to the kids there. Her presence there was really healing. I’m thinking I want to do something similar in the future and volunteer/teach in a place like that.
In the movie, I also saw the commodification and objectification of women in show business. Her ex-boyfriend was engaged but she was still being questioned by reporters as if she was only defined by him; wearing uncomfortable “sexy” clothes; wearing endless makeup and styling; and being ignored in interviews or being asked meaningless questions.
I think the valuable thing about this film is that she honestly presents these breakdown moments to the audience without reservation, but the purpose is to let others who are going through similar experiences know that “they are not alone”. When they are about to forget their original selves and can’t recognize themselves, they have to know that the old self has always been a part of them.
After watching the documentary, I was more convinced that I wanted to learn social work, but I was also more convinced that I wanted to especially learn direct practice: providing psychological counseling to clients. I have been reading books on the subject recently, but this is the first time I have felt so deeply about such an issue and understood its extraordinary meaning.
I wrote this very quickly. All in all, I really enjoyed the documentary and its theme song, for those who are interested. 🤍🤍